Category Archives: News

Governor Cuomo Holds Emergency Briefing On Taylor Swift’s Surprise Album

Albany, NY – In a state that is slowly recovering from the coronavirus pandemic, Governor Andrew Cuomo held an emergency press briefing in regards to the shocking news of Taylor Swift’s new album. “Today’s announcement was something we were not expecting and you have my word that my administration will do everything to help people get through this challenging time”

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Hole Enters Phase 4 Of Reopening

As the world grapples with the novel coronavirus, signs of recovery are appearing. Local gays announce their holes are entering Phase 4 of reopening as of today. This allows them to operate at 50% capacity up from 25% in Phase 3. Strict benchmarks have been put in place for reopening after 3 months of being closed to the public due

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Santa’s Workshop Announces 14,000 Elf Layoffs As Part Of Massive Restructuring Effort

North Pole – Santa’s Workshop announced today that it will be laying off 14,000 Elves as part of a massive restructuring effort. The Elves affected account for almost a quarter of Santa’s workforce. The layoffs come as Santa plans to close several workshops that have been labeled as “outdated”. “Kids aren’t as excited about dolls and wooden trains anymore. It’s

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Paul Ryan Looking Forward To Enjoying Koch Industries Retirement Benefits

Following his announcement of not seeking re-election this fall, Paul Ryan expressed his excitement in being able to enjoy all the benefits of the Koch Industries retirement plan. “It’s good to know that after years of screwing poor and marginalized people that I get to retire with full dental coverage”. Though Ryan had many retirement offers from multiple corporate donors

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Mark Zuckerberg Promises To Do Better In Selling You Out Before Next Election

Today Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg testified before congress about the numerous scandals the company has faced over the last few months. In his opening remarks Zuckerberg apologized that the company dropped the ball in handling users data and promised to do better in selling out its users. “We made a mistake” said a remorseful Zuckerberg. “You trusted us with your

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