Category Archives: News

Santa’s Workshop Announces 14,000 Elf Layoffs As Part Of Massive Restructuring Effort

North Pole – Santa’s Workshop announced today that it will be laying off 14,000 Elves as part of a massive restructuring effort. The Elves affected account for almost a quarter of Santa’s workforce. The layoffs come as Santa plans to close several workshops that have been labeled as “outdated”. “Kids aren’t as excited about dolls and wooden trains anymore. It’s

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Paul Ryan Looking Forward To Enjoying Koch Industries Retirement Benefits

Following his announcement of not seeking re-election this fall, Paul Ryan expressed his excitement in being able to enjoy all the benefits of the Koch Industries retirement plan. “It’s good to know that after years of screwing poor and marginalized people that I get to retire with full dental coverage”. Though Ryan had many retirement offers from multiple corporate donors

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Mark Zuckerberg Promises To Do Better In Selling You Out Before Next Election

Today Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg testified before congress about the numerous scandals the company has faced over the last few months. In his opening remarks Zuckerberg apologized that the company dropped the ball in handling users data and promised to do better in selling out its users. “We made a mistake” said a remorseful Zuckerberg. “You trusted us with your

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