How To Not Have Sex Because You’re Both Pretending To Be Tops

Sex is a healthy part of any relationship, but doing it the first time in a new relationship can be anxiety inducing. Its even worse when you’re both pretending to be #DomMascTops even though you both really want to be plowed like a snow covered street in Montreal. Here are some tips on how to avoid sex so that you can pretend for a little while longer.

Watch “The Cove”

When spending the night in watching a movie things can get a little frisky. But if you’re looking to continue feeding into your internalized homophobia to impress your new man nothing squashes the desire to do it like watching dolphin slaughter. Queue up “The Cove” and watch the night go from Bone Island to Cape Abstinence instantly!

Have A Serious Dialogue About Gun Reform

Gun reform is a controversial hot button issue across the nation that can usually stir up some heated debate. Cover up your toxic masculinity by criticizing the toxic masculinity of gun owners and the changes that need to be made at a federal level to enact positive change. This conversation is so serious that you won’t be thinking about a man shooting their load in you for days.

Talk About The Current State Of The Subway

Since you’re not getting fucked by your new man tonight you might as well talk about who’s been fucking you recently, the MTA! Everyone has some real subway horror stories to take the intimacy out of any situation. Have a deep conversation about the failures of New York’s public transit to disguise the fact you want to get fucked so bad the MTA has to shut your hole down for 18 months for repairs.